Mo' Better Blog: Why I am not a handyman.

I begin with an admission -- I am not a 'handyman'. I don't visit Home Depot every weekend and I don't weep tears of joy when buying a new tool. Considering my father is a carpenter and my brother an electrician, I'm a bit ashamed about this. But, hey, why 'do' when you can 'pay someone to do it for you'? In some cultures "knowing your limitations" is called "wisdom".

That wisdom went out the window this weekend when 13 parcels arrived following our shopping trip to Ikea. Thirteen parcels for 2 pieces of furniture should have been the first clue. And yes, I simply should have stopped after opening the instruction book(let) which listed 44 steps for the first piece. But I tore open the boxes with vigour -- hoping to make the carpenter and electrician in my family proud.

A couple of important obeservations:

#1. No piece of furniture that is intended to be sat on or lied on by a fellow human being should require 44 steps and 200+ pieces of hardware. The 'margin of error' is multiplied with every screw/bolt/peg left over at the end of the torturous exercize commonly refered to "some assembly required".

#2. It's cheap because it's crap. I don't know what MDF stands for, but it certainly isn't anything that resembles wood. While it's heavier than hell, I'm not sure how comfortable I feel about letting our guests sleep on a substance that so closely resembles sawdust.

Back to my adventure... The first piece, a wardrobe lovingly called "Pax", featured the tagline: "We believe that getting dressed should be about inspiration, not irritation." Catchy. And I believed it to. Of course, it says nothing about the irritation involved in putting the bloody thing together. Pax, as my friend Steven pointed out, is essentially a box. Why it took me 4 bloody hours to put a box together is midly embarassing. Having it nearly fall on my head when I opened its door for the first time -- pure humiliation! (I ended up buying an "L bracket" (at least that's what I call it) and screwed the bloody wardrobe into the wall. Having your guests crushed by a giant box tends to discourage future visitors!)

The second item was a bigger adventure -- and took me an entire day. Called the "Hemnes" (which I believe is a Swedish word meaning "uncomfortable bed AND sofa"), this project included the 44 page"booklet", some 60 pieces of "wood", and 200+ pieces of hardware, including screws, pegs, bolts... and a packet of glue! (After the first few hours I was starting the glue was meant for sniffing. I mean, what the hell was I thinking!) I took me about 6 hours, but once it was finally finished, it looks pretty good. About as good as if I went to another store and bought the bloody thing whole and had it delivered!

In hindsight, I would have gladly paid the 80 bucks I saved to have my weekend -- and dignity -- back!